Someone recently told me that your intestines could stretch from one side of the country to another. I imagine food travelling from Bristol to Ipswich, a dollop of mulched toast pulled in by the police, an articulated take away overturned on the hard shoulder.
People say I talk too much, that I don’t let them get a word in edgeways. I imagine words travelling on their edge. Is this possible? What happens if you turn a loudspeaker on its side? Does the sound come out sideways? Can music be upside-down?
I rang up the opticians the other day to make an appointment but but the receptionist said the optician couldn’t see me. That’s a joke I’ve told over and over again. Over and over. You can’t see people when they are on the phone can you?
Do people still give you a ring? Telephones stopped ringing years ago. Someone gave me a lift the other day. It works quite well but I still prefer to use the stairs. That will be lost on Americans. They don’t have lifts. And some of those skyscrapers have a hundred storeys.
I have a hundred stories. And I don’t need a lift to get to them all. All I need is a pair of tweezers and a sharp pencil. The tweezers to pull them out (they hurt, like pulling out nose hair and it make your eyes water) You need a sharp pencil to write them down. Otherwise they disappear.
I used to think it was possible to live on bread and water alone. I tried it for a week. I didn’t mind the bread, or the water but I didn’t like being alone.
The French eccentric, Charles Fort, used to keep records of weird happenings. He kept lists of frogstorms (frogs pouring out the clouds) and fishstorms (fish raining). I suppose it is possible that aquatic creatures could live in clouds for a while. In the future we could have continents of clouds moving across the land, each populated by a different species, floating farms, airbourne zoos. If humans could make it up there too it would solve any worries we would have about overpopulation.