Milkshake

Someone recently told me that your intestines could stretch from one side of the country to another.  I imagine food travelling from Bristol to Ipswich, a dollop of mulched toast pulled in by the police, an articulated take away overturned on the hard shoulder.

People say I talk too much, that I don’t let them get a word in edgeways.  I imagine words travelling on their edge.  Is this possible?  What happens if you turn a loudspeaker on its side?  Does the sound come out sideways?  Can music be upside-down?

I rang up the opticians the other day to make an appointment but but the receptionist said the optician couldn’t see me.  That’s a joke I’ve told over and over again. Over and over.  You can’t see people when they are on the phone can you?

Do people still give you a ring?  Telephones stopped ringing years ago.  Someone gave me a lift the other day.  It works quite well but I still prefer to use the stairs.  That will be lost on Americans.  They don’t have lifts.  And some of those skyscrapers have a hundred storeys.

I have a hundred stories.  And I don’t need a lift to get to them all.  All I need is a pair of tweezers and a sharp pencil.  The tweezers to pull them out (they hurt, like pulling out nose hair and it make your eyes water) You need a sharp pencil to write them down.   Otherwise they disappear.

I used to think it was possible to live on bread and water alone.  I tried it for a week.  I didn’t mind the bread, or the water but I didn’t like being alone.

The French eccentric, Charles Fort, used to keep records of weird happenings.  He kept lists of frogstorms (frogs pouring out the clouds) and fishstorms (fish raining).  I suppose it is possible that aquatic creatures could live in clouds for a while.  In the future we could have continents of clouds moving across the land, each populated by a different species, floating farms, airbourne zoos.  If humans could make it up there too it would solve any worries we would have about overpopulation.

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